What Happens in Lapland, Stays in Lapland
by TortiQuercu
Summary: Ward gives Skye a crash-course in arctic survival. Tiny bit of strong language, SkyeWard around the edges, somewhat fluffy, dialogue-only. It's not a direct sequel, but fits in with my other Agents of SHIELD dialogue drabbles (Agents of SHEEP, Tater Tot Tuesday and No Time Like Skye Time).


**A/N: I think this takes the cake for fluffiest one-shot I've ever written. I'm still playing with the dialogue-only format, I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

"One of my foster homes had a book about Lapland, I used to flip through it for hours, looking at the pictures…. I guess it was the snow and the reindeer and all the people dressed in red, like this was where Santa Claus must live and maybe, if I knew about Lapland, he'd think I was a good girl and he'd give me a family. It's stupid, I know, but I always felt something special for Lapland. I never figured I was going to die here."

"Skye…."

"It's okay, you don't have to sugar coat it. Even I was able to figure this one out."

"You're not going to die here, Skye. I refuse to allow it."

"What are you going to do? Punch Death in the face when he comes for us?"

"If the option presents itself, that's a great idea."

"Heh. Agent Grant Ward, Specialist. Never had a problem he couldn't punch his way out of."

"Punching got me pretty far, it's true, but I'm now willing to admit that not it might not always be the best solution."

"Too bad Coulson isn't here, it would have made his day to hear that confession."

"Please tell me that when you say 'here', you mean 'with us on this mission', and not 'in this sleeping bag.'"

"Honestly, I wouldn't object to another body in here, my butt is frozen solid. Coulson is pretty fit for an older dude, you know…."

"Skye!"

"Okay, okay! No need to get defensive, Captain Cheekbones."

"Oh, lord. C'mere, turn around. You should have mentioned that your… uhh…. bottom was cold."

"Consider yourself officially notified, then. My ass is downright numb…. oh, hey, Tiger, okay, it's not _that_ numb!"

"For God's sake, Skye, stop squirming. And as nice as your hair smells, can you keep it out of my mouth?"

"I bet you say that to all the pretty girls you wrap your taut, muscled, deliciously toasty body around…."

"Do you have to say _every_ awkward thing that crosses your mind?"

"I'm just moving my lips to try and keep warm."

"I'm… I'm not going to touch that one."

"You should thank me. Getting you all annoyed is probably keeping your body temperature up. When they rescue you and I'm a Skyesicle, remember that."

"You may actually be right."

"Damn straight. I'm not crushing your arm, am I? I can move back…"

"No, no, it's fine. Stay. It's… it's nice."

"…"

"Skye, you gotta stay awake."

"How? You wouldn't let me use my laptop. Without funny YouTube videos to entertain me, it's a losing battle. I could really go for some Shark Cat on the Roomba right now…"

"If you take your mitts off, you'll lose your fingers. It's pretty simple, really….. Did you say 'shark cat'?"

"Know your memes, Robot. And I still don't get the big problem if I close my eyes for a bit."

"The problem would be that you'll fall asleep, then I'll fall asleep, and then we die. And that's one of those problems I can't punch my way out of."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So do us both a favour and stay with me, okay?"

"I'm trying! You've gotta help me."

"Ummm okay, let's play a game. Word association. Horse."

"Cold."

"Clock."

"Cold."

"Sushi."

"Cold."

"Skye, do you know _how_ to play Word Association?"

"Those are legit, it's the first word that popped into my head each time! I swear! Dude, are you rolling your eyes at me? I can _feel_ you rolling your eyes."

"That's because I've got my face buried in your hair, it's the only thing keeping my nose from frostbite right now. Okay, forget Word Association."

"Tell me a story, Ward. About something hot. Where's the hottest place you've ever been?"

"Algeria, 2011. Easily over 120°. Man, that was hell. Full tactical gear. You start to feel like you're going to dissolve in your own sweat…"

"What was the mission, can you say?"

"Run-of-the-mill covert op. Retrieving HYDRA tech, if I remember. Sometimes that stuff shows up on the North African markets, the Germans brought it with them to Libya during the second World War."

"I didn't know you were a history buff."

"Meh, more like I played a lot of Risk."

"Nerd."

"Pot, kettle, black."

"Whatever! Hey, Ward?"

"What?"

"Do you… do you think it's weird that they haven't found us by now?"

"The team?"

"Yeah."

"No, not really. It's tricky, flying the Bus in this climate."

"May's the best, though."

"Oh, I agree, it's not a question of the pilot. When it's this cold, Skye, it wreaks havoc on machines. Grease becomes thick. Fuel freezes. Plastic becomes brittle and breaks easily. They likely had to head to a SHIELD airbase that can do arctic provisioning, not all of them can."

"Oh."

"That was a big sigh, you okay?"

"I just realized how much there is to learn... about everything. I'll never make it to Level 1."

"You're gonna do just fine, Rookie. I know it."

"You're sweet. I'd love to believe you, it'll be a shame when death by hypothermia proves you wrong."

"Not gonna happen. We're getting out of here, I'm sure of that… the question is whether or not I have to tell you the bad news before they find us."

"Oh, and that's not ominous _at all_. What bad news?"

"I'm saving it."

"WARD!"

"Stop kicking me! Fine! The bad news happens if we do have to sleep overnight here."

"When we freeze to death? I kinda figured that out already."

"No. If we're still here at nightfall, we'll need to use the vapour barrier in the sleeping bag."

"That garbage bag-like thing?"

"Yep. The sleeping killer is condensation, we lose a lot of moisture when we sleep. A vapour barrier is critical or we'll dampen the sleeping bag and freeze. So we get into the garbage bag thing to protect it, it collects the moisture."

"That's not so bad. So we sleep in puddles, it could be worse…."

"Naked."

"…"

"That's the bad news. I'm not making this up, I promise. Clothes have to come off or they'll get soaked too, and that's death, Skye. Anything wet will freeze."

"…"

"Earth to Rookie."

"Still processing. Please hold."

"Basic arctic survival. It might not come to that, but if it does….. what happens in Lapland, stays in Lapland. Fair?"

"Uhhhh… yeeeeah. Okay. Fair. So how long until sunset?"

"Maybe an hour."

"Ohhhkay. An hour of dignity left. Got it. And all this time I thought the cold was going to kill me. Nope, it'll be my embarrassment."

"You have no reason to be embarrassed, Skye."

"…. says the Aloof-o-Tron 3000 with the underwear model abs…."

"You think I have nothing to be self-conscious about?"

"…. is this a trick question?"

"No! You know, I didn't exactly have great self-esteem growing up. Any time I felt like I had any strength or confidence, my brother would beat it out of me. The bruises didn't exactly impress the girls, either…."

"Ward…."

"…. and it doesn't help that you're gorgeous and fearless and smart in ways I can't even wrap my head around, and dammit that's _so_ sexy…"

"Ward."

"… not to mention that I'm supposed to be your supervising officer. I'm not a protocol expert or anything but I'm willing to bet that twining myself like a vine around my rookie is frowned upon…."

"Ward!"

"So yeah, I've got plenty to be self-conscious about, and that's even _before_ we're skin-to-skin in our skivvies, trying to keep each other alive through the night…."

"WARD!"

"…. _What?!_"

"Oversharing, Big Guy. Also, I'm pretty sure I heard a plane. Listen."

"….. uhhh, yeah. That's the Bus. Let's… um. Let's… detangle."

"Ward?"

"Yeah?"

"Kinda sad they didn't take another hour."

"…. Hmm. Yeah. Me too."


End file.
